June 2011

Today feels like a day to whine. Nobody is responsible for where I am today but ME. Still, whine is ok once in a while.

Dear neighbor, Orb, who is 87, will be moving to town. He's getting more frail and he needs his housekeeper and his nurse visits. He needs to be able to get to church on Sunday. With our road washing out every time there is a heavy rain it is no longer feasible for him to continue here.

My wonderful new neighbors, Larry and Janet, are also looking to move for the same reason. Larry does plan to get my add ons built and my small building moved before he goes. He's salvaging lumber from my former property where they're tearing down the trailer house. Amazing, wonderful friend he is!

I'm paying the price for a not so good decision in helping other friends. They are on my cell phone account and having serious trouble paying the bill. So it comes out of my pocket until they can. I can ill afford it. Additionally my step-daughter that was has still not paid her final electric or water bills. That's about $400 in my name!!! I don't have it. I can hold on to the truck title but that doesn't pay bills, just makes her life a bit more difficult.

At this point I'm so tired of being the "bad guy" because I need others to fulfill their promises. Am I a bit bitter? Yes, I am. It was my idea to GIVE that property to JD's daughter and her idiot mate. It was my choice to use several thousand irreplaceable dollars over the years to see them through rough times. It was my choice and my idea to provide connection to the world for my friends. JD would probably kick my behind for a lot of it. He was a big hearted guy but not a fool. I think I've been a fool. I didn't tell J he could not have the expensive phone on a long contract. I let him obligate me for something he apparently cannot pay for.

I actually have enough income to live fairly comfortably since I have no house payment or rent. I'm far from rich, income actually in what is considered "poverty level" but not low enough for food stamps or anything other than reduced price medical and dental care at the clinic. Can't afford the dental since my "disposable" income is otherwise obligated right now.

I'm in no danger of hunger unless I can't get out to buy groceries because of the road. With luck there will be no more torrential rains at least until Fall. Its a sure bet we'll have more road wash out when the rains come again. County does the minimum necessary to let us get in and out and they don't get to it quickly.

With Larry gone I have no one to operate the backhoe but Gary, who comes up only a couple of times a year since he has a farm to take care of. Not sure how I'm going to manage. I hate being helpless in some ways. Can't even get my John Deere from J's house since I've no way to move it. I did not take it there, just let him use it. I don't think he's going to make any effort to move it back. Again, my choice was not a good one.

In self-defense situations have changed. At one point I could count on him doing what he promised. Now he simply has no time at all with his other responsibilities and I am at the bottom of the list. There is no longer anything in it for him.

Am I depressed. You bet I am. Not clinically, if there really is such a thing, but situationally, for sure. Don't know what I'm going to do. In this market I can't sell and have no money to move otherwise. Don't really want to sell and move but may find myself in a similar situation to Orb's. Getting older is not for sissies.

I am well aware that I depend heavily on others who have more strength, more abilities than I have. My skills and strengths now are my art, my crafts, if you will. They may bring me pleasure but they bring me little income. My marketing skills are pitiful.

The past several days have been even more difficult as my hyperacussis (sensitivity to certain frequencies of sound) is in a huge flare. Telephone, music, many voices (including my own), Rascal's yips, etc. cause extreme discomfort. That's one of the several reasons I can't hold a job.

So I will end my pity party with the caution to those others who are bereaved to be very careful how you obligate yourselves. Look to the concept of changed conditions during the term of your obligation. I'm giving it one more month. If the financial obligations are not met then I will have to cancel the phone and pay the $200 cancellation fee. That will put paid to any friendship that is left, I'm sure.