A letter to JD

It is just past ten o'clock May 25th, 2011. It has been 19 months two days and about three hours since I last saw you lying there, no, I saw your body. You, my dear, had already departed. In many ways, JD, I've remade my life since that terrible day. In general I'm doing quite well.

You'll be glad to know I think I finally got a handle on what is causing my weight gain and I expect to have it under control quite soon. I know it worried you. You always cared about my health.

Since you left I've grown a great deal as an artist. You always said I had the talent. Thank you for all your encouragement and all the things you taught me.

I'm still learning about living alone. Ellie is great company and I adopted Rascal, who is a much bigger dachshund than she is. You'd love him, I think. And I know he'd love you. He can be so funny! The two of them keep me from wallowing when I have my spells of being really down.

Your buddy cat, Screech, now lives across the road. You never had much patience for wuss cats so you probably wouldn't mind. Little Blink, my new black tom, is anything but a wuss. I got some great video this week of him "talking" down the gray stray. He does it at least once a week. And he always ends up winning.

You'd also be glad to know I got the backhoe back. New neighbor, Larry, is working on the road with it. We really needed it as this year the rains have been unceasing and the road is the worst it ever has been. More days washed out than repaired. We're trying to figure some way to improve the engineering of it so it drains better. There is much work and more expense than I'd like coming on that front.

I've been doing a lot of working in the yard. I've changed some things you didn't want changed but I didn't think you'd care since its my place now. Larry's wife, Janet, is always doing something to help me out. She pulled the pump from the duck pond and rescued the extension cord I hadn't been able to free up in all this time. I need it for my new electric weed eater. I can't handle yours. Its just too, too heavy for me.

I also got a reel mower like we used as kids. I love it. You know I've wanted one for years so I could contribute to the yard care. It isn't as efficient as a power mower and certainly much more work than the John Deere but you never taught me how to use the John Deere! It scares me. To be honest I never really asked you to teach me. I never expected to be alone here. Really, I didn't.

Today has been very hard. Larry started working on the road with the backhoe yesterday. The sounds that makes-the running of the backhoe, the rattle of all those rocks and such-has always meant YOU were out there making our lives better. But it isn't you now. That makes me so sad.

No matter how many changes I make in the physical surroundings YOU are here. Even if I moved to a new house you'd be there because you are a part of who I am. I miss you. I play the videos less often now but still am so glad I have them so I can hear you laugh or joke. Even when I was grumpy that could make me smile.

Did you really understand how much I love you? Yes, I love you warts and all, just like you loved me. That pedestal you kept thinking I put you on really never existed. You were just so HUGE a presence that I never could get over being thankful I was sharing my life with you. You were that kind of presence for most of those who knew you. You had impact. You still have impact.

Today has been one of those days I have now and then when I wonder what is the point of going on, of doing things? But I know this feeling will pass. It comes less often these days.

In just a little while I will be going to bed. Alone. As far as I know right now I don't believe that will ever really change. I have no need for a man in my life. Neighbors and friends and people I can hire will do the work you used to do that is beyond my strength or skill. It would take quite a man to make me want to share my life again. He would also have to want me enough to get through the barriers I know I've put up.

I like being alone now even more than I used to. But you'd be pleased that I no longer stay up most of the night reading. Why should I? I can do what I want all day most of the time. If I want to read through lunch time who cares? I get up any time from 5:30 to 9:30. My schedule is what works for me on any given day. Some days I get a tremendous amount of work done in fits and starts since I still need rest breaks. Other days I just do the minimum for survival. Overall I am progressing towards my own goals of organization and neatness, a place for everything (have to get some rooms added on the house for that purpose!) and everything (well how about most things?) in its place.

Today little seemed worth the effort. I wasted most of it. Got some things done but not all that much. Today I really don't care. Well, not much anyway.

Today is my day to cry and be sad. Tomorrow will be better.