Enraged

There have been a few times in my life when I have been so angry you could call my feelings rage. This is one of them.

In general I am very easy going, tend to be overgenerous which truly is a fault and forgive much. Now, I'm not asking for nor do I believe I'm deserving of praise or admiration. I am who I am and I do what I do. Mostly I think its good but certainly not always. I make poor decisions sometimes.

This post is about nearly half a life time of decisions that brought me to this rage. Some I regret but most I do not.

To understand the whole of this I'm going to "nutshell" the past 29 years or so.

I met JD when he came into my Arby's (I was manager) and asked if he could use the phone. One of my employees came back to my desk and I went out to talk to him. There was this hunk of a bearded cowboy carrying a 20 month old little girl. I won't call it love at first sight but it was close. He needed a babysitter so he could work. I had a friend living with me and my husband at the time who could help him. It wasn't long before my husband ran off with the friend, leaving me available to actually do something about the way I felt about JD. Bless his pea pickin' heart (the rapidly acquired "ex").

JD was keeping Chrissy out of the hands of a drunken drug addicted Mother that the state wouldn't keep away from her. We ended up in California to keep Chrissy safe. I left my son with my Mom to finish his school year. Good decision? I still don't know but I knew I had to do what I could to keep that little girl safe.

Chrissy went to work with me 90% of the time in CA. She was our main focus. What we ate, where we lived all centered around her. My son also gave a great deal to keep her safe when he finally came to live with us. I am so proud of him!!!

Most of my income went to pay for private school for her in California.

When we moved back to OK just before she turned eight we left my son in CA. Now that I feel was a bad decision, both returning to OK and leaving him behind.

That Spring her bio mother sent her half sibs to steal Chrissy. To say we were distraught is a major understatement. We borrowed all the money we could and moved to TX to try to save her. We failed. Courts there favor bio mothers despite criminal and drug records. So we stayed in TX to be able to help her as much as possible. We darn near starved!!! JD was injured there a few years later, almost dying.

Chrissy had the opportunity to come to us when she was 14 but decided to stay with the bio-Mom despite abuse. We tried but couldn't force it. We had to move so I could support us. Jobs were few on the ground. My son helped us get back on our feet in Virginia.

Meanwhile the bio-Mom continued the abuse, deliberately made Chrissy very fat and denied her medical care for female problems which resulted in her becoming a rare type of diabetic.

Years passed. About three years ago Chrissy and her live-in were having a really hard time financially. Let me say here, and I'm not the only one to see this, her "live-in" is an incompetent, lazy jerk. She supported them more often than not. He couldn't keep a job except the one he had at Del and Del moved.

I was just getting my inheritance from my Mom (JD's sisters cut him out of his own inheritance).
I offered Chrissy the place we were living since we were buying a better one just down the road. She accepted. I gave her the place, mobile home and 6/10 of an acre. I'd paid about $27,000 for it.

This was about the time jobs became hard to find anywhere so they had much financial difficulty still but they had a roof over their heads. I paid a lot of bills for them, gave money so Chrissy could get her gall bladder surgery, etc.

After JD died I continued to help them financially. When the baby was born I gave them the last of my savings to be able to get them back and forth to Tulsa for his post-natal care.

All in all I spent about $40,000-a major chunk of the only money I'll ever have-on them.

A few months ago Chrissy and I had a falling out and I found out that all this time she had false memories of ME abusing her when she was a child. Never happened. She was JD's world and if I'd done one tenth of what she accused me of he'd have been gone in a New York minute.

Upshot is our relationship dissolved totally.

Her water and electric bills were in JD's and my names the entire time they were here. Mostly they paid them but not always. What I should have done was take them out of my name immediately on the split but I did not because for one thing I still loved who she'd been and for another they had no money to turn them back on and it was cold. There was a baby in the house with shaky health. I just could not turn off their utilities.

They ended up selling the place and leaving here about three months ago. They left unpaid electric and water bills to the tune of about $450. Chrissy made sure she had all the information as she was going to pay them off when the finals came in. Yeah, right.

As of yesterday the electric bill (now up to about $300 with late fees) was transferred to my personal account. I pay it or get my electricity cut off. I have a well so the water company can't do much except more damage to my credit that I'm working so hard to fix.

They haven't even made a single payment on these bills.

I have a mailing address, an email address and Jesse's cell number-Don't really know if any of them will get information in their hands. The mailing address should be good because they expect me to send the title to JD's truck that they hauled to TX with them. I didn't take it back either, though now I know I should have. I just didn't learn. There is no honesty there at all.

Obviously I am not sending the truck title. I will not sign it over to someone who has so little concern for me. In five years they can call it abandoned and get a title. Until then, unless they pay these bills, they get nothing from me.

Now to know that the RAGE isn't so much towards them. I really should have known what they were at least near the end. My rage is for me.

I am ashamed that I feel very vicious towards them and have been going over and over in my mind the things I'd like to say and do to them.

I won't do it but it shames me to be capable of such vicious thought.

Topping it all off a friend I trusted is also messing me up financially. And I'm backing a contract for him that runs for 23 more months! If I cut it off I'll pay $200 (cell phone) and leave him without communication. If I don't I pay $115 a month. He SAYS he'll have the $145 he currently owes in my hands before the end of the month. If he does't I get to be the bad guy, eat this months $115 plus last month's $30 owing and pay the $400 to cut off two phones before contract end. I have to figure out whether the basic phone will be cheaper (contract only runs through Nov 2011 on that one) to leave on or cut off.

All in all I am not happy with myself and decisions I've made both before JD died and since. I have it to figure out and hope I make a good decision this time.

I'm going to have to sell my backhoe if I'm going to pay all this and be able to fix my house as I need to. Thought I had the money lined up to fix my house but this stuff has done that in.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Not exactly. This is a situation I made for me. I am simply enraged that I let it happen and that people I trusted and loved betrayed me.

Am I asking for sympathy? NO!!! I just needed desperately to spell it all out, to tell my side of the story. I'm a mean selfish bitch according to "them". Well, that may become a self-fulfilling prophecy on the selfish part, at least where they are concerned. Maybe on the mean too. I feel rather mean right now.

Not going to promote this post, just putting it out there.