Pensive again

For most of my teen and adult years there have been many times that I could not sleep for the need to write, write, write. I would go to bed and the thoughts would swirl in my head, requiring expression.
I've written short stories, bad and fair to middlin' poetry and now a blog. It is a compulsion that I have no desire to suppress.
I was just making my lunch when out of nowhere (ex nihilo-I love that latin!) comes the realization that I still consider myself JD's wife. Rationally I know he's gone, dead, deceased, departed, dropped his body, all those words for the meaning that he is no longer present in the life I am living. Emotionally he is at my side every minute of every day. Being his wife was an enormous part of how I defined myself for more than a quarter of a century. Much more than 1/3 of my life was as part of that partnership in which we nourished, taught, learned and shared almost everything.Well over half of my adult life!
My neighbor lost his mother just day before yesterday. I'm sure that has brought my own loss to the fore.
No longer does it drop me to my knees in agony but the loss is there, deep and abiding emptiness that no one else will ever fill.
This is not to say that my life is one of pain and suffering. Its not. My current life holds a lot of happiness and sometimes joy. I take pleasure in my sons, my Sis, my bro and in my friends. I enjoy my creative work a great deal. I'm even enjoying to a lesser extent, getting my house in order literally.
I've found weaknesses I had never acknowledged, strengths I was unaware I possessed. And I have become far more "self" centered, without, I hope, being selfish. Life now revolves more around what I want, what I need, what makes me happy. And I think I'm ok with that.
Wife, Husband, Spouse, Better Half, all those words are used to define a partner in life. A true marriage is a compromise, a sharing of the good and the bad, support of the partner's dreams and hopes, building the dreams and hopes of the unit created in a good marriage. I see it as a morning glory vine twining around a beautiful ivy. They have separate roots, draw their own sustenance from the sun and soil but they support each other, allowing each to reach higher and be more beautiful as a unit than either would be alone. Even when one of them dies the support remains for a very long time. Perhaps the flowers of the morning glory no longer bloom or the lush leaves of the ivy no longer enhance but the framework built remains.
Perhaps this is the "why" that some widows (widowers), perhaps me? will not remarry. There is no need, no desire to try to create that sharing again.
For others a new love is inevitable. Perhaps some just have more to give while some of us are content with what was already given. Truly I do not have all the answers, I'm just coming to know the questions.
Although I live alone (well, almost alone since by sweet doxies are here with me) I'll never be totally alone. I am who I am because of all the years and experiences, the sharing with friends and family and (most of all) my life with JD.