Thoughts on Motherhood

As usual I'm spending Mother's Day home with my fur babies. And that's ok. I just got an email from eldest son that was so sweet I'm still leaking tears. And my brother just called to tell me he took flowers to Mom's grave. Its been a long time since I was there.
Self doubt is the most pernicious thing there is. And since I remember so many times I was less than the best mother I could possibly be I thought I would dedicate a blog to the best and worst of my personal motherhood.
Among the best things I remember (from my personal point of view) were the Christmas ornaments the boys and I made. Each year for several years I tried to think of something different. We did home made clay ornaments, cookie ornaments, balsa wood, paper and bead ornaments. Sadly I no longer have any of them. They were lost in one of the many moves. But the memories are still with me.
I remember the joy of setting up Matt's nursery with Mom. We found some "patchwork" fabric and she sewed curtains and a little quilt. I found a used crib at the Salvation Army and painted it in alternating pastels. Remember, in those days we didn't know boy or girl until birth! All had to be simply "baby".
With both sons I remember many days of rocking chair and story books. They were too little. perhaps, to understand the words but they understood the love.
Sadly I also remember "mommy tantrums", losing my youngest son at age 8 when I sent him to visit his birth father and saw him not again until he was 18. I remember a couple of times of depression when I didn't think I could survive being a mother. Didn't think I had it in me.
But the love was always there. No matter if I made bad decisions or good ones, the love was always there. And they are smart enough to have recognized it.
It is our children who make us Mothers, of course! And they are the joy of life. A smile from your child, whether he be 8 months or 80 years (hope I live to see it!) is the fullest meaning of happiness. Their pain, especially when you can do nothing about it, is the deepest pain you'll ever feel.
Overall I believe I did more right than wrong and they've forgiven me the wrong.
To my sons, may your lives be filled with happiness, may your dreams come true eventually. And know that now and forever you are loved unconditionally.