Human Problems

I just started a lecture series by L. Ron Hubbard on Human Problems. I'm not into it very far yet but I find it amazing that as I decide to increase my own understanding problems in my own life that were somewhat hidden, really not understood or not faced, have surfaced with a vengeance.

I think it is much like a house. There is a lot of "stuff" there in the house. The house looks very clean and neat as there is no clutter. But in the closets, drawers, packed away in boxes, behind cabinet doors there is a great deal of disorganization. It can be very hard and time consuming living in that house because so much time is spent searching for things.

I have been actually cleaning my physical house, including storage buildings and work shops. I've been getting rid of the things that have no real use. If you think about it or if you've seen hoarders it is apparent that things not in actual use or soon to be in actual use are barriers. They take away from enjoyment of life instead of adding to it. Making the decision as to what physical items are a problem instead of a solution can be quite difficult.

First one must define one's life. What is really important to me? How do I want to live? What do I want to do? There are choices to be made. Part of that is "just who am I?" These questions need to be answered without contemplation of navel. Keeping it simple," what truly pleases me and enriches my life and what detracts?" would be the basic question.

At some level I must have also realized that in self defense people must be viewed in the same way. If a person in your life simply takes, giving only enough to keep a hook on you; if a person has a false front that is wonderful but the results of their actions are not; If there is inequity, a lack of balance in the relationship and especially if perceptions of situations are very, very different then one needs to move on and use one's time and energies more effectively.

I knew these things but had not actually been "seeing" them. Wouldn't let myself see them. I acted like what I wanted to be, was. Now that is all on me.

I must admit I took the coward's way out. I did something I said I'd never do although I was very subtle about it. I posted a nameless, unidentifiable comment about what I was feeling on FaceBook. In her paranoia she instantly knew it was about her. Everything is about her, you know. I truly was angry at the entire situation and having suppressed it for so long, not admitting even to myself that I was angry, I did not respond as usual, being a peacemaker, soothing ruffled feathers etc.

The resultant explosion was way more than I expected. I think I expected to have a fight, clear the air and get some balance back. I really think that is what I was trying to precipitate. What actually happened was so far beyond rationality as to put me in shock. I had so misjudged this person that I thought she was sane. She has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is not.

I have been treated to a barrage of texts with her version of all the years we've been associated. There is a grain of truth mixed with a mountain of lies and mis-perceptions. Time lines have been distorted, actors in the drama have switched places, motives have been distorted or fabricated as have actual events.

This, my friends, is insanity. Having seen it happen to my sister by a Bi-polar diagnosed daughter heavily on psych drugs I recognized it at once. There are people who, in their own minds, are never wrong, do not deserve all the perceived injustices, are abused by everyone and can't trust a soul.

They do not, cannot, accept that their own behavior, their insanity and Me,Me, attitude brings it all on. So they blame, distort and abuse in what they consider to be self-defense.

Signs are rather obvious. In their hands physical things deteriorate. Friends have to walk a tight line to keep out of arguments and strangers are mostly out to get them. They have problems at work, usually cannot handle money or lose jobs often. They have more colds and sick days than the average person.Family goes broke or crazy trying to help them. Situations are distorted and when there is nothing to distort it is made up. More fool me, I saw and ignored.

I'm not writing this for sympathy. All the things I write are 1) to clear my own head and 2) in hope that my experiences will somehow help someone else. Sympathy I do not need. I'm actually better off now and know it.

In looking at the rest of the folks in my life I see nothing of this. Even my friends who have serious illnesses are working to make things better. They have interests and joys. They like other people and they like me. What they do brings improvement to their surroundings and in the lives of people associated with them. These are the people who will remain in my life. This is the kind of person you need in your life. They aren't perfect. You might have arguments. Those will be, however, just upsets that are faced and handled. There may be mis-perceptions but they will be logical ones. There will certainly be different likes, dislikes and goals. You will, however, share enough to make it a pleasure to be together. You will never have to be anything but yourself to be loved by true friends or honest family.

If this helps you in the smallest way it was worth my time. It has helped me to put it in writing now that I'm calm and over the initial upset. I see a happy, productive future for me and, I hope for you, dear friends.