March 2011

I had quite a few paragraphs written when I realized I really did not want to write that blog.
The reflections I wrote were/are for me alone.
What I can write is that I am content with who I am and with who I am becoming. Life without JD is different, in some ways worse and in some ways better. Hard to explain since given my "druthers" he'd still be with me and I'd never have started this blog.
Losing JD was the most painful thing that ever happened in my life and in any life there are painful things in abundance. I still miss all we had and all we could have had. After a quarter of a century we had begun a new level of understanding. That is now all my past.
My future is more about me, who I am, who I will be, what I do and what I will do. What I want is paramount for the first time in over 60 years.
My past is a learning experience and not a definition of who I am. And I'm discovering that the opinions of those I respect count for much more than the opinions of those I cannot respect. Everything in life is point of view. I believe and hope I mostly take the high ground. I believe and hope I am ethically responsible and accept both the positive and the negative about me and others.
Risking being redundant I will say again that for the very first time I am responsible only to me and to my pets. Yes, my decisions affect others but are not central to any other lives. I hope to make other lives a bit better by being in them but I know it isn't my responsibility to take care of anyone but Rascal, Ellie, Blink, Ariel (last two are cats) and myself.
I can make of my life what is right for me without compromising in a relationship. And all relationships require compromise to work. They can be very worth those compromises!! But I do not have to nor want to make those now. It is far too soon for me. I am still becoming. And mostly enjoying becoming.
Tomorrow I meet with the son of a friend who is very likely to buy my property. I hope it will work for him. I am so ready to be gone and start the rest of my life in my new home.