Thoughts from a tired woman on a stormy night

After the death of my mother in March of 2002 I realized there was a great deal I really never knew about her. I knew some of her history through stories of her youth and of her marriage and subsequent (after over 25 years!) divorce and lasting friendship with my Dad.

I surmised much from listening to her family members at gatherings, watching them as I grew up, getting to know just a bit about who they were by observation and deduction.

But the fact is that as much as I loved her, as much as I shared with her, I still don't think I really knew the person that she was
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I knew my husband a great deal better as we talked endlessly about what our lives had been, how we changed and how we wanted to change, what we felt about things then and now. But I wondered then and I wonder now if our children really know us. Know us as people, I mean, not just parents.

I want them to know who I am. To that end I started a journal some years back. Don't know where it is right now but hope to find it and put it somewhere obvious soon. In time, I hope.

Do they know that the most important thing in my life from childhood was to be Mother and Wife? Do they really know that my greatest regrets are the times I feel I failed at being Mother?

This blog may be as much for them as it is for me. I'm doing my best to be open and honest, not necessarily in the fine detail of my life but in the generalities of who I am, what I have been, what I want and what I want to achieve.

I want them not to feel the lack that I felt when I lost my Mom and when my Dad became a stranger in his dementia.
I think we've done a fair job of making sure they know who JD was from early days to later life. We've been upfront about the good, the bad and the indifferent. All of that goes into making up a person's life.

Just who is this person living in my body? She is undisciplined in many ways. Not truly lazy but not super energetic about work either. I am full of passion for many things but apathetic often about my own care of myself. That's not bragging or complaining. Its just something I need to work on.

I adore my children but am very glad they are strong and mostly self-sufficient. I'm glad they have the will to live their own lives, have their own opinions, make their own decisions. I think I did a great job as a Mother in that sense. I raised no clinging vines. They're real people, honest, hard-working, hard headed too. I actually am very proud of that.

I think I must be an enigma in many ways. I love people and animals but prefer to be by myself at least 75% of the time, communicating at my own will via electronic means or the telephone. On the other hand I love shopping with Sis or Nancy, singing with my brother Mac, laughing and cutting up with all those I love or admire in any way. I like company, I just like my own company best.

I've been told I'm kind and generous. Maybe I am. Not something I can truly judge for myself. I feel all my selfish impulses and know when I think bad thoughts. (laughing at myself) Sometimes I even act on those bad thoughts. My poor pups and sometimes my family have seen it. I can be a B**** extremely well but I hope not all that often.

In general I just have to say that I hope my offspring read everything I write and take the overall in forming their final opinions of who Mom is. Or someday, who Mom WAS.

Whatever they think in the end I mostly want them to know they've been valued, respected and loved even when it didn't seem so.