Growing into the new me...

I've been neglecting this blog. Frankly the need, the drive to pour out my pain, to share in the hope of helping, is partially satisfied by our Widowisland on Yahoo and partially by a few Facebook posts. But also is the fact that at a year into my widowhood I am finally beginning to live my own life instead of trying to live for both JD and myself.
Yes, I am growing. My "fault" of getting into a long organize has not changed. I don't like cleaning and organizing but do it because it is necessary. But I take rather a long time at it, delaying the finish, since I'm trying to get it to a point where I don't have to do it over! What could have been done in a couple of days stretches to a week or more. SIGH But that is just how it is when you have only yourself to figure it out. Input from someone who also does creative things is so helpful!
I am embarking on a new journey in creativity too. I've long wanted to carve rock but how, what and so on weren't really decided. A Facebook friend in New Zealand just woke me up to the fact that I can do the soft stones like opal with my mastercarver tool (like a super dremel) and special burs for glass or stone. I just ordered those from eBay.
And I have sold several things that JD and I used but I won't use without him. Used the money to buy my Colwood woodburner and tips.
So when I finish this round of "organize" I can really rock on the create end.
I miss JD every minute of every day. Even if it should chance that someone else I can relate to comes into my life I know that I will wish JD could know him!!! And he, JD. I consider the chance remote however.
Although I'm growing, evolving and becoming MORE, I think, I miss so much that feeling of being safe and protected. Just being in the same country as JD gave me that. And being held by him was something I cannot fully describe. It was a feeling of being cherished for myself, who I am and protected as much as anyone can be protected. He was strong, pretty unflappable, willing to actually kill to protect but not anxious to do so. He knew something about almost everything and much about many things. He was a doer too. His enthusiasm sparked mine.
Now I have to provide my own sparks and I can do that. But there are times when its just so very, very lonely being an "only one" in the sense that what I do and who I am are not of major importance to anyone but me. My friends and family are, rightfully so, centered on their own lives. While I am important to them I am not the most important person to anyone but my dogs and cats. That is something I miss.