On FaceBook I saw a side ad for SeniorPeopleMeet.com. That was three, no four days ago now. Amazingly on the first day I actually met one really, really nice guy. And on the second day I met one I felt was worth chatting with. Later the second day I met a third well worth communicating with.
In between and all around these three were fake profiles, guys wanting your email address without giving you any information at all, profiles with the same picture and info but different names and places and some obvious jerks.
At this particular point the sweet first guy seems to have no confidence, read my blog and backed off. That's ok.
You have to know deep, deep down that there will never be any two relationships alike. Similar perhaps but not alike. And they take time to grow. One must BUILD a relationship. JD and I went through a lot to get where we were. We had battles, irritations, made compromises, learned understanding and patience. The deep, deep love and trust did not spring overnight full blown. If a man cannot grasp that then I know he and I will not have a future except perhaps as email buddies.
Second fella just got too pushy. Wanted to be on Yahoo Chat for hours. I do have a life. Sometimes it doesn't seem so when I spend too many hours in front of this lit up electronic box but I really do have a life.
The third fella, well, so far this looks really promising. He's funny, doesn't expect the world's greatest romance in three emails, shares a lot of my political and life views and is tolerant of differences without being a rug. Time will tell.
It goes without saying (and I'm gonna say it anyway) that adapting to the concept that I may be changing things, might even possibly leave my home in the not too distant future, is strange and somewhat unreal.
I'll be 62 in just a few weeks. I thought at one time I was settled here for life. I love my home. I love the freedom to get up when I want, sleep when I want, eat on my own schedule. Its been over a year since I had to think much about someone else's needs and wants., to consider that my creative clutter and leaving the dishes in the sink might be irritating to someone else.
So my mind goes round and round about what I would have to have and what I am willing to give in order to make a new relationship work.
Today I really want to give up cigarettes. REALLY. But as yet I have not come back to facing it. I want to do it for ME but know it would also make life better for family and friends. So far I haven't had the courage.
But back to what I would need and on what I'm willing to compromise- I must have shop space and quite a bit of it. Wood carving can be in a separate building and must be in a separate space from beads and wire. I have to have that space. I cannot give up who I am as a creative being. I need a whole room for beads and wire with lots of storage and a door that can be closed on the clutter and disorder of multiple crafts and arts. These I must have to survive emotionally. And time to work on these things too.
Gotta have my own computer access. Room for books! And time of my own to do all my "stuff".
BUT I am ready for a person to have in my thoughts and heart. Someone to share the giggles, to share sunrise and sunset, stormy skies and puppies. Someone to hold and be held by. Someone I can turn to and ask "what do you think of that?" or "isn't that beautiful?"
It is really, really an honor to JD that I want and need those things. We took 28 years to develop what we had and neither of us was perfect by any means. What we were was caring. We had enough self absorption to do what we liked and enough heart and understanding to let the other one do the same.
Leaving Eufaula would be heart wrenching. I do not know what I would do without friends who have been my salvation this past year. I owe them a lot. I owe them my sanity, the warmth in my house, my healing heart. And I know they love me and need me too.
Perhaps I over think but, in reality, planning, even when it may never come to be, is a must. I have to think about making really serious changes.
I don't think marriage is in the plans as I would lose my income and if I'm reading things right, as a couple that income would be very helpful. But JD and I had five great years before we actually tied the knot. Long story about his ex who refused to be found to be divorced...Still, in this day a committed relationship without the legalities isn't so odd.
The idea of moving all my "stuff" is overwhelming. Getting ahead of myself but being real here. Can I? would I? I have to say the answer is yes. But I think I would have to keep my home and we would have to spend more than a week-end now and again here. I cannot abandon what means so much to me. Not yet anyway.
Back to space. I actually really love an orderly, neatly and attractively decorated space in which to live. I don't have that now because my little house is so small. I'm going ahead with the plans to build a room where the deck is. That will make sharing this little house much better and easier.
So now I've bared my soul yet again. Those of you who honor me by reading this blog may or may not understand where I'm coming from or where I hope to go. And yet you may.
I hope my own thoughts, dreams, plans and so forth help you clarify your own. I know that writing this help me clarify and focus.
I'm not running out and changing it all this week. But I am at a point where I am ready for a change in my solitary state, I think.
Forgive the typos. I can find them on the posted blog but not when I try to edit!
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Thanks so much for reading my blog. I hope there is as much help for you in reading as there is for me in writing.