Observations and ramblings

As I continue on this journey I didn't want to take more things occur to me. To the reader they may seem repetitive but each time a thought hits hard its new, from a different perspective than any time before.
Spring has been very difficult. Oh, yes, I hoped I was at 'acceptance' but if so it was a brief visit.
Spring was JD's time more than any other time of the year, especially since we moved out of "town". OK so its about an acre but it is OURS (mine now). JD was a farmer/gardener. He grew up helping on a dairy farm with the cows, the fields and a huge truck garden. He loved plants. He planted hundreds of flowers, bushes, fruit and flowering trees and was planning to improve the big garden that got so overgrown last year. Suffice it to say that my first Spring without him has been difficult.
I went to the GTG Spring get-together, bless our friends there for including me although I'm not an official member of the garden club. Once JD and I hosted it. Was that only last Spring? Members from all over the state gather, eat good food, play "dirty gardener" with small gifts and have a wonderful time. Tina and Jess put together a member's directory and there is a lovely memorial page for JD and another member lost this past year.
Going to that meeting was one of the hardest things I've done in the past 6 months. I knew I needed to go, I loved being there but it was so hard to be doing "his" thing without him.
I've been teary for weeks. A real backslide.
This morning as I was getting ready to go to the store (yes, its Mother's Day and I opened the store) I had the realization that there are so many little tiny everyday things that are forever changed. Breakfast for one-or no breakfast at all. It doesn't matter where I put things. I'm the only one who has to find them. I no longer buy a certain brand of this or that because it was his favorite. That hurts so much. For a quarter of a century and a bit more what JD liked, wanted, enjoyed was central to my life. To realize that none of that matters to anyone anymore is like losing him all over again.
I've also been having a lot of pain and difficulty walking. My left knee (and to some extend thigh, calf and ankle) is giving me more pain than I can easily bear. I don't like pain medication and take as little as possible. Instead of 1/2 of a dose two times a week or so (instead of the three a day allowed) I'm taking up to 3/4 of a dose at least every other day. For the past days of working the store I'm taking it daily.
There is no one to bring me a sandwich or a cup of coffee. If I want something I have to bite the bullet and do it myself.
Its been a long time since I had enough pain to cry and whimper about it. I do not like being that whiney person. Without JD to consider I give in to it more. I never wanted him to worry although I knew him well enough that I didn't try to hide a problem. He'd kick my behind!
I miss the daily cherishing. Both directions!!! I'll always miss it.
I cannot conceive of ever feeling its worth it to try again with anyone. I don't NEED anyone. I didn't in that sense NEED JD. I WANTED him. I enjoyed his company, his stories, his laugh, his scent. I loved the feel of his skin when I touched him. I loved his mental energy even when he didn't have so much physical energy left. JD brought the world to life. What he felt, thought and did was done with such VERVE. And yet in many ways he was the most laid back man I've ever known. That is to say except about subjects on which he felt strongly such as politics, other drivers, people who abused children or animals or women, politically based pseudo-science and any kind of irresponsibility or willful stupidity.
He could sit for hours to charm birds or small animals. He GLOWED when his flowers bloomed. His big strong hands could save a choking kitten or stroke his dog into pure bliss. He wasn't bad with comforting me either. And he would not put up with me being foolish about my own worth or anything else.
JD's presence was safety. There was no danger than couldn't be faced when he was here. Without him I am much more fearful. I'm not paralyzed, of course, but I have been unable to face learning how to use the riding mower. It terrifies me.
Nancy brought me a young goat. I'm working on taming him and he's going to help me keep the weeds down but I still have to mow some so I will learn to ride the mower.
I do not know how I would go on without my widow island friends, Phyllis who shares my store and enthusiasms, Jeremy who shows me how to take care of my well pump and much more, Steve who knows how to do so much, Nancy who brings me goats and presents and is just about the best friend I could ever have, Jill, Pat, Danna, Walter, and so many other friends on-line or physically present who buck me up, help me think straight, encourage me and, in general, help make life worthwhile.
And I've yet to mention my Sis, my nephew Dale, Brother Mac, my sons who love me and pick on me to make me laugh-and give me money I've not earned nor expected! And daughter Chrissy who gives me hugs and love and will soon give me my first grandchild.
My life is full. My customers are wonderful folks. And I will always have the "pretties" like beads, wood to carve, wire to work, rocks to carve and collect.
Yes, my life is full and yet, without JD it has such a huge emptiness in it.