Another day in my new life

I made a sale on Etsy.com today. JD would have been very happy for me.
That particular item was created around some "blue delft" beads I'd been hoarding for a lot of years until they "spoke" to me. Apparently they also "spoke" to the buyer.
I'm hobbling around this past week or so with a bad knee and the favoring of the knee and sitting too much now has my feet looking like sausages. Now I don't usually have edema problems and they are no fun.
Problems of any sort bring out the alone-ness. There is nobody to bring me anything, nobody to suggest things, nobody to just be here.
Last night I missed so much just being able to put my hand out and touch him.
I wrote before that his likes and dislikes no longer matter. Well, that isn't entirely true. They matter to me although there is nothing more I can do to make him happy. I can't fix him crab claws, buy his preferred anything. There is simply no one to please but me.
If I spin out of control in any way (too much sugar, too much bad food, too much of anything) there are no brakes but me.
It is simply amazing how intertwined the lives of life mates become. Few thoughts don't contain that bit of "how will this affect him?". I get those thoughts a thousand times a day. That may or may not reduce.
Yesterday I screamed at a commercial on the TV. It was a medicine he'd tried that seriously made him ill. But it was supposedly for the condition that killed him.
Now I know it would have made no difference as he had effective herbals that were working very well. He quit taking them for some reason. And he was so gung ho on making me take my nutrients that worked...
I'll never know why he stopped. I'll never know if they'd have kept him alive. I'll never, ever, ever know.
What I do know is that he is GONE.
I try hard to not blame myself for letting him be and not nagging. I know him well enough to know that nagging would have been useless. One of the things I loved so much about him was that he was always his own man. Even when he was obviously wrong he was STRONG. That makes me smile through my tears.
I've said before and will probably say again that although he seemed invulnerable he was vulnerable to those he loved. I could, and did a few times, hurt him. I regret every single instance but although I made amends I could not take it back.
I cannot remember a single time he EVER hurt me on purpose. Hurt me, yes, but out of his own pain and not with intent. I can't say the same. It was rare but it did happen.
JD, if you know what is happening here, please accept my apology. Yeah, I know you already did. I guess what is left is for me to forgive myself.
I'm looking forward on life. I'm relatively young for my age, physically and mentally. I can see many years ahead without him. It seems so unfair. JD made my life valuable again. He took a broken me and helped me heal. I will be forever grateful and every good thing I do for the rest of my life will be to his honor.
Thank you, darling man. I think of you with every breath. I feel blessed to have had our quarter century plus. I hope your new adventure is a joy for you.