Six months

It has now been a half a year since JD died so unexpectedly. I have felt strong and able. I felt I was doing so very well.
For the past few days it is like the first week all over again. All my gains, all my moving forward, all my strength seems to have faded into nothing. I am lost. I am empty. I am alone.
The tears burn my eyes again as they did six months ago.
He was so vital, so alive, so HERE. And now he is not. I did not get to tell him good-bye. I did not get that last kiss, that last hug. Yes, a few minutes before the unexpected end we did tell each other we loved. But not with the intensity we would have had if we had known it would be the last time we would say it to each other.
I know I've said it before but I have to say it again. Much of my soul went with JD. He truly was my other half. We spent twenty-seven and a half years getting to where we were. We fought and struggled to overcome our differences and strengthen the ways in which we were alike. We felt our way through the years finding out how to strengthen each other, to become the best we could be.
We saved him from death by a whisker in '92. We re-found our lost children and re-made our family. We were still becoming when it ended. Now I'm becoming a different person.
I do not want to have to do this. I was happy being part of a twosome. Even my email address is our names combined and the year we became one.
Tonight the pain of loss is so intense that I can barely stand it. I thought this part was behind me and I was healing. But the wound is raw, raw, raw. I want, no NEED to be held in his arms again. I want do-overs. And I cannot have them.
A few nights ago as I was trying to go to sleep I suddenly heard him come home. He was making a lot of noise and when I tried to get up to find out where he'd been and why he was being so noisy I discovered I had fallen asleep. The house was very quiet. There was no one here. Did he come to let me know he's still thinking of me or was it just my own wishful thinking? Or simply a dream.
A friend thought maybe he was here to try to signal that I was to find something. I searched and all I found was a cheap crackerjack ring in the medicine cabinet.
Strange that. I'd never seen, or at least did not remember seeing, a little metal fake stone cut to shine. And today I discovered one of the pieces of costume jewelry I bought last week had the same kind of fake stone. Its just weird. There is no value there so I do not think I was pointed to that ring. I shined it up anyway.
With all the many, many "things" JD left behind there are a few that have tender feelings attached for one reason or another. This ring will now be one of them. I re-found his favorite (?) belt buckle in a toiletries kit too. I've had it in my hands before during these six months and I always put it back. He hadn't worn it lately since he'd gained some tummy and its a big buckle. I imagine it pinched. But its his favorite turquoise and coral eagle on silver so it will always be valuable to me even though the dollar value isn't high.
Like me some of these things touched him. He valued them.
JD, I am so alone. So very, very alone. No one can change that.
Today I communicated with all of the kids. It was good. But they have their own lives and are not a daily part of mine as you were. As you will always be in some ways.
Chrissy is going to have a baby. Your very first grandchild that you'd have gotten to hold, to love, to teach. Both you and the child are going to miss something very precious. I'll be the best grandmother I can be but I cannot be you. You were a treasure to all who knew you. You were a guardian, a creator, a protector.
You used to tell me I put you on a pedestal and you didn't like to be on a pedestal. I could never really make you understand that I love you faults and all. Had you been perfect I'd never have measured up. You were stubborn, a bit arrogant and sometimes a know-it-all. But that was totally bearable because you were right 90% of the time. You were also generous, kind, helpful, loving and caring, not only of me but of all you considered the least bit worthy or needy in a not "user" way.
In your final weeks there was a change that I fear I helped bring about. There was a bit of uncertainty. I'm so sorry if I hurt you. I tried hard to make up for it. I felt we'd gotten past it for the most part. I hope you knew how much I truly admired you and still do. And I honored the fact that you were finally able to tell me the worst pain of your childhood. I AM honored that you trusted me with your pain. I hope I held it safely and it hurt you a bit less for speaking of it after most of 60 years.
I miss your stories. You were always DOING. You LIVED, JD and lived thoroughly. I so glad of that. And I'm glad you shared so many of your adventures with me. I treasure the stories you wrote down and wish there were more of them.
Your grandchild will know you through the videos and pictures as well as the stories about your life. He or she will be proud to have a grandfather like you. We will keep you alive and with us in our memories.
But memories are not enough tonight. I need the real JD. All of you. And that is something I will never have again in this lifetime.
So go on with your adventures, my love. Don't think I want to tie you here. I don't. I'm just so lonely without you. But our time has passed and your time for something else arrived. Perhaps in some future time we will meet and maybe remember what was. Or maybe just recognize a loved soul. I cannot see the future. I will not live in the past.
I must go on for myself, for the promise I gave you, for the children, the lives I've yet to touch and the ones I'm touching now. I will live and continue to grow but you will forever be part of who I am and who I shall become.
Good night, my love. May your adventures be as grand as you are.