Changes

When dealing with other people I find that truth tempered but not changed by tact and gentleness and love is always best. When dealing with myself it is brutal honesty with no sugar coating that I need.
It shows that I'm still fragile in that I cannot cut the comfort foods or cigarettes yet no matter how much I want to do so. I'm not yet strong enough. But I believe the coming grandchild will give me that strength. I want to spend much time with my grandchild and I do not want to be smoking or wheezing from overweight when I'm doing so.

The thought that got me writing today was "would I give up my freedom to do as I please, arrange the house as a workshop for my own comfort and all if I could have JD back?" I asked myself this question and it suddenly came to me that it is a really foolish question. I'd never have considered re-creating my living space, my way of handling life, my goals and such if he were still here with me. It wouldn't have occurred to me at all. I was happy with the life we had together. We had plans for ourselves as individuals and as a couple. We worked together and compromised our different wants and needs. And that was more than fine.

He looked out for me and I looked out for him. He'd gift me things I wouldn't have gotten for myself and I would do the same for him. Each of us delighted in the other's happiness.

Those days are gone now. They are beyond recall. My life is what I make it and only what I make it from here on. I am different from the person I was almost six months ago. There is no going back. The core me, who I am, hasn't changed but parts of me are changing almost daily. I'm doing things that were less important when JD was part of my daily life. I'm more involved in ME, my wants, my needs, my likes and dislikes. I am making time for group activities like the Eufaula Area Arts Council that I'd not have given as much time to in the "before" times. There is no longer anyone to consider when I make my decisions. At least not on an intimate basis there isn't.

I am happy most of the time now. Chrissy's pregnancy is a big part of that. I did not realize how MUCH I wanted to be a grandmother until it became my near future.

I miss JD. I will always miss him. Our love grew over so many years, through shared joy and shared difficulties, over disagreements and agreements, over time spent together and apart. It was what made me who I am. But I am still here and he is gone. I will continue to grow, to live, to create. In another six months I'll be a degree different from who I am today. Life is not static. We grow or we die, at least mentally and emotionally.

At what stage of grief am I? Acceptance? I hope so. Will I relapse. Of course I will. You do not give yourself totally to a relationship, share with another person so completely, and not suffer when they're gone. But I know now that I will go on living, growing, becoming. I know its what JD would want for me. We actually talked about it a couple of times.

So the answer to the question of whether I'd give up this first in a life time condition I'm in-not responsible for anyone at all-if I could have him back is not only silly, its moot. Yesterday is gone although its effects will be there forever. I can't go back. I can go forward. And so I will.