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Today is "one of those days". Almost everything ticks me off and I'm biting my tongue, taking little or no action on thoughts and feelings as I know I'm over reacting to it all.
Apparently this has been building unknown or unacknowledged for days or even weeks. Without diving into my navel I've been trying to figure out "why".
A HUGE part of it is the backlog of "to do". Part of it is the barriers to getting the "to do" DONE. Part of it is missing JD. Part of it is the trigger of "we need to" said by someone who mostly means "you need to".
So many things feel like something they are not. They FEEL like something from my past. A bit of background is that my Mom, although a really good Mom for the most part, was super at the guilt trip of finding something she didn't like to complain about no matter how you tried to please. For Sis it might have been that she'd cleaned the bathroom to a total glow, vacuumed, did laundry, etc and Mom would come home to say "I see you didn't find time to dust". Or with dinner on the table when she came home from work and nothing said ahead of time about what to cook she'd say "I didn't want THAT!"
After Sis left home the same things fell on me. I don't want to be that person, doing to others what was done to us and I seriously hope I'm not but fear that I've done that time to time.
Don't get me wrong. Mom and I had wonderful times. She, too, had her past that affected her present. We all do.
I'm feeling upset with myself for getting behind on what really matters to me because I made a bad decision about the use of my time and money. That yard sale thing cost my bestie and me tons of energy and time with minimal results. I just got over the exhaustion yesterday and began the "catch up" on orders in-house" (that includes working out a design for a ring, which is much more difficult than a pendant. It also includes slow suppliers and missing practice materials that I have now ordered AND my irritation that my debt has grown instead of reducing this month!!!).
Last night Sis decided today was a "house cleaning day". That pushed me over the top, irritation wise. So today I'm really noticing things we need supply and grocery-wise that it is, for the most part, up to me to get. She can't help her disease or control when she feels up to being somewhat active and when she can barely get from bed to couch.
While its awesome to know I contribute to the smooth functioning of our household it is sometimes so frustrating when what I need to do to make my little business profitable conflicts so at times.
Add in that its raining (and I wanted rain!), a very nice oak night stand was refused by the Salvation Army pick up people and is now sitting out in the rain, that I still have 1 bag of cow manure and two bags of mulch in my car (heavy and my back is bothering me from the yard sale work, etc), the new Calphalon pots and pans arrived (one with some damage-Thanks, Macy's) and we now have to clean out the cabinets (sorting older stuff and finding places to put what we want to keep), the garage clean-up and storage building clean out is stalled, I still have an entertainment unit in MY room with two HEAVY televisions on it that I can't move, ta da, ta da, ta da...
All of it is crashing down today. OH, and the hole the dog dug in my garden has yet to be repaired...
This old gal KNOWS that handling a confusion or overwhelm is simply to do SOMETHING and get it DONE. Last night I did the vacuuming. This AM I did the few dishes, took the stove apart and cleaned the top and burners and mopped the kitchen. I also washed up the new pots and pans so they can be put away.
None of this just happened, really. Its been this way for some time. Mostly I do what I can and let the rest slide until I can do more. Today I'd give a lot to be 40 again and get ten times as much done in a day as I now can. All three of us are bothered by the backlog and all three of us are past 60, not as spry or healthy as we once were. We all need a bit more money to accomplish our goals.
In a while I'll be back to my "one-step-at-a-time" mentality, positive attitude and slow but steady progress. Right now I just want to throw things. And perhaps, scream a bit. Haven't done either in quite a while.
My final analysis is that the clutter, the unfinished projects and my failure to be "super woman" have become heavy today. I'm working on adjusting my attitude back to what it should be. No one can do it for me. I have to do it myself.
So with enough house work done now I'm going to go work on what I love most, what makes my life good and I'm going to let myself do it at the right speed and with pleasure instead of pressure.
I thank my readers, all of you, for being here for me. "Talking" it out with you makes my life better. I hope my ramblings help you as much as they do me. At least if you too are having "one of those days" then you'll know you aren't alone.
Apparently this has been building unknown or unacknowledged for days or even weeks. Without diving into my navel I've been trying to figure out "why".
A HUGE part of it is the backlog of "to do". Part of it is the barriers to getting the "to do" DONE. Part of it is missing JD. Part of it is the trigger of "we need to" said by someone who mostly means "you need to".
So many things feel like something they are not. They FEEL like something from my past. A bit of background is that my Mom, although a really good Mom for the most part, was super at the guilt trip of finding something she didn't like to complain about no matter how you tried to please. For Sis it might have been that she'd cleaned the bathroom to a total glow, vacuumed, did laundry, etc and Mom would come home to say "I see you didn't find time to dust". Or with dinner on the table when she came home from work and nothing said ahead of time about what to cook she'd say "I didn't want THAT!"
After Sis left home the same things fell on me. I don't want to be that person, doing to others what was done to us and I seriously hope I'm not but fear that I've done that time to time.
Don't get me wrong. Mom and I had wonderful times. She, too, had her past that affected her present. We all do.
I'm feeling upset with myself for getting behind on what really matters to me because I made a bad decision about the use of my time and money. That yard sale thing cost my bestie and me tons of energy and time with minimal results. I just got over the exhaustion yesterday and began the "catch up" on orders in-house" (that includes working out a design for a ring, which is much more difficult than a pendant. It also includes slow suppliers and missing practice materials that I have now ordered AND my irritation that my debt has grown instead of reducing this month!!!).
Last night Sis decided today was a "house cleaning day". That pushed me over the top, irritation wise. So today I'm really noticing things we need supply and grocery-wise that it is, for the most part, up to me to get. She can't help her disease or control when she feels up to being somewhat active and when she can barely get from bed to couch.
While its awesome to know I contribute to the smooth functioning of our household it is sometimes so frustrating when what I need to do to make my little business profitable conflicts so at times.
Add in that its raining (and I wanted rain!), a very nice oak night stand was refused by the Salvation Army pick up people and is now sitting out in the rain, that I still have 1 bag of cow manure and two bags of mulch in my car (heavy and my back is bothering me from the yard sale work, etc), the new Calphalon pots and pans arrived (one with some damage-Thanks, Macy's) and we now have to clean out the cabinets (sorting older stuff and finding places to put what we want to keep), the garage clean-up and storage building clean out is stalled, I still have an entertainment unit in MY room with two HEAVY televisions on it that I can't move, ta da, ta da, ta da...
All of it is crashing down today. OH, and the hole the dog dug in my garden has yet to be repaired...
This old gal KNOWS that handling a confusion or overwhelm is simply to do SOMETHING and get it DONE. Last night I did the vacuuming. This AM I did the few dishes, took the stove apart and cleaned the top and burners and mopped the kitchen. I also washed up the new pots and pans so they can be put away.
None of this just happened, really. Its been this way for some time. Mostly I do what I can and let the rest slide until I can do more. Today I'd give a lot to be 40 again and get ten times as much done in a day as I now can. All three of us are bothered by the backlog and all three of us are past 60, not as spry or healthy as we once were. We all need a bit more money to accomplish our goals.
In a while I'll be back to my "one-step-at-a-time" mentality, positive attitude and slow but steady progress. Right now I just want to throw things. And perhaps, scream a bit. Haven't done either in quite a while.
My final analysis is that the clutter, the unfinished projects and my failure to be "super woman" have become heavy today. I'm working on adjusting my attitude back to what it should be. No one can do it for me. I have to do it myself.
So with enough house work done now I'm going to go work on what I love most, what makes my life good and I'm going to let myself do it at the right speed and with pleasure instead of pressure.
I thank my readers, all of you, for being here for me. "Talking" it out with you makes my life better. I hope my ramblings help you as much as they do me. At least if you too are having "one of those days" then you'll know you aren't alone.
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