Why?

One cannot help but wonder "why?". Is it because it was fated? Did God need him elsewhere? Did I do something wrong? Did he? Did I fail him? What could I have done differently?
My friends and helpers on WidowIsland tell me and we tell each other that "shoulda, coulda, woulda" is deadly and it is. But still I cannot help sometimes going over it in my mind. Scenes run through my thoughts like stills from a movie or even like movie trailers. 
Some of these are wonderful. A burst of his laughter, our habits (good and bad), the last time I saw his physical body, all replay and replay and replay.
Having been through this when Mom died I know that even now, almost eight years later, this is still happening for scenes from my life with her. For Mom, most of the pain is gone although there is a twinge now and then and even a slow tear trickling. In her situation I KNOW that there were things I could have done better. But I also know that the effects would have been very short term. I couldn't repair her heart any more than I could have repaired JD's. 
His fate was sealed when the electricity hit him in 1992. My actions and his gave us seventeen more years. And what years they were! We went through everything in those years. 
It wasn't perfect. It was life. We had two really major personal problems that we didn't know if we could overcome. But we did. 
We had financial problems most of those 17 years. We failed to protect our daughter although it was not through lack of trying. 
Through all of it our love was the center piece. The daily grumps, the irritations of small things (he swore I never closed the cap on the mouthwash tightly enough and I got bummed about the loud TV) caused moments or sometimes hours of less than happiness. 
Through it all our love was the background to life. Whatever we did, where ever we went, the other was in our thoughts. We bought groceries, each thinking of ways to get what the other really enjoyed having to eat and still stay within the budget. It made me so happy to be able to add shrimp or even sometimes crab legs, to the purchases. And he'd remind me to get hot chocolate or my favorite crackers. When money was really tight we'd pass up our favorite cheeses and get one we both liked. 
When he cut brush he looked for branches I could use to make walking sticks. I encouraged him to budget for the magazines he so enjoyed. 
Why is that over? Why can't I still reach out in the night and just touch him, smell the honest sweat (and that man could sweat more than anyone I've ever known before or since), see him dozing in his chair, make plans we knew we couldn't afford for years about fixing up our little house, watch him play with the pets or get ticked when they wouldn't let him rest. Why can't I know that when I wake he'll be there. 
He was my rock, my foundation. I felt that nothing could ever truly go too wrong when he was there. He fixed things, both physical and emotional. He was a problem solver. And he was there for so many to lean on. He rarely leaned. I was so proud when I could help him. 
We were so different and yet so alike. I'm the calmer one, the one who could easily see both sides, somewhat too forgiving in many cases. He was the one who saw through surfaces to what was really beneath. He was the forever skeptic who still saw the good when it was there, and fostered that good. 
So why was he taken? 
One can be philosophical or religious about it. He was needed elsewhere, his time and job here was done, it was his "time" and so on. All the things people say. Do we really believe them? Do they help?
For me my only comfort is that what is, is. I cannot change anything now. To fight, to rail, to scream and cry changes nothing and wastes energy. Well, there are times when I'm going to waste that energy. 
As son Matt said, JD was a phenomenon. He was irresistible, irrepressible and unforgettable. I know he'll be the background of my life for as long as I live. I cannot predict the future. I do not know what will come. I do know he forever changed me. For that I'll be always grateful. 
All of us, whether you knew him or didn't, are better because he lived. He changed this planet in great and small ways. He was involved in life and living. 
If I touch you with my words it is because he helped me find them. He helped many people find themselves. His effect was legion. I truly hope he fully found himself before he died. I think he did. 
And I do not now and probably never will fully know why he is gone. He just is. 
But he is only gone physically. His effect lingers. In that he is eternal. 
And in my private beliefs I know that JD is not "over". Somewhere JD has found a new adventure. Somewhere he is still being JD by whatever name. He's making things happen, he's helping people, he's getting things done. 
In my heart and mind I know he's now free of the physical and emotional pain of this life. But the joys linger on and on. 
I can see him dancing.