Not so good...

JD, I'm hurting now. I miss you so much I don't know what to do. You always helped me when I hurt. Why are you not here?
We were going to be together a lot longer. You promised me. Why did you leave me here alone?
It took half my life time and many bad mistakes before I found you. For you it was the same.
You were suppose to be enjoying raising your birds, hatching out the pheasants and chickens. Taking care of your ducks, geese and turkeys! We were going to get the garden right this year and not let it be overrun with weeds. I even figured that this year we'd get enough things to can.
I'm not supposed to be angry with you. It isn't right. I know you didn't choose to leave. But you DID leave and I AM angry. We were supposed to go to the next adventure together. I don't want to do this alone. And without you I will always, always, always be alone. There is no other you.
With all your faults and with all mine we were so good together. We understood each other for the most part and that's the best anyone can ever do. I cared so much. I wanted you to have whatever we could do, have or be to make you happy. And you returned the favor with all the gusto you had.
You made life real. Your laugh, your scent, your beautifully agile mind all made my life full and satisfying.
You taught me so much. And you were willing, finally, to learn from me too.
I don't want you to be gone from me. I don't know if I'm strong enough to get through this until I find my way.
I need you to tell me if my decisions make sense. I need you to tell me how to improve my beading and my carving. I just plain need you.
Its been just over three months now since you left. I survived Thanksgiving, Christmas, and your birthday. I've survived the first, second and third month anniversaries of your death. And I thought I was ok. But I'm not. No, I am NOT OK.
I'm so lonely. There are people in my life who love me and whom I love. There are friends and our children who need me. But still I am alone, so completely, totally alone without you.
I don't want to die. I just want to be with you and I know that I cannot. You are not gone, vanished or disappeared from existence but you are gone, vanished and disappeared from my life.
Your cares of this lifetime are over. You're starting fresh and new, I hope, with the pains of this life left behind.
But, JD, I still have them to carry. And I have to carry them alone.
My memories are so sweet. Even the times that we battled meant we were trying to work things out to a better understanding. You had only just begun to let me into your most closely held secrets. I treasure that trust and hope that I never betrayed it. I know you shared things with me that you shared with no one else living. Thank you for that.
But still I feel rejected. You left without me. You left without me!!!
Oh, how do I go on??? How do I make a life that does not include you beside me? You'll always be with me in my heart but I need more than that. I need all of you.