October 2011

Prepare yourselves for another ramble through my mind.

In just three weeks we come to the second anniversary of JD's death. How am I feeling? That question requires a much more complex answer than "better" or "conflicted" or "sad", all of which are part of it.

In order to answer I have to give a bit more background. While living in Spain with my sons and ex-husband (military assignment) I discovered the Atkins diet. Now consider that I've been heavy to obese almost all my life. I was seeing that my youngest was following in my footsteps and that was nigh unbearable. I knew the misery all too well. So I put us both on the plan. I lost 25 lbs the first month and he grew into his weight quickly.

Both my sons were as beautiful outside as they are inside. I only wish I'd had the maturity to foster than inner beauty more effectively than I did.
For whatever reasons, through life's events, I lost that concept of low carbohydrate eating that was so good for us.

Life has taken us here and there, I've made good and bad decisions that affected the lives of my children in enormous ways. I can't take the bad ones back. They tell me they've forgiven me and I can only hope that they, as men, can overcome the effects of my bad decisions.

I am extremely proud of who my sons have grown to be. They are smart, talented in many ways and have hearts to make any mother proud. It saddens me that I, in my foolishness, set the stage for any angst in their lives. I guess that is normal for any mother who is introspective in any way.

If you've read any of my blog you will know I finally "got it right" when I found JD Willson. Our lives together were not without troubles but we weathered them as a team for the most part. I've ended up a much better person for my more than a quarter of a century with him, I believe.

I now like who I am, truly I do, warts and all.

Just eleven days ago I restarted the Atkins for Life program. I'm reading all the science behind it now to fully understand. There are so many medical studies showing what a healthy way of life it can be. Now chips, cookies, bread and other dietary "no-nos" aren't tempting me. I'm eating salads and steamed veggies, eggs, meat and cheese, just added back in nuts in moderation and a tiny bit of berries. I feel so much better pain and energy-wise than I've felt for years.

The sadness involved in this is that, per the science, JD might still be alive if we'd done this together five years ago.

Now, I'm not beating myself up over this because he was just as smart, just as aware as am I. He could have done this himself. Fact is we neither one did and there are no do-overs. There is only going forward. I can't bring him back but I can and am making myself healthier and losing weight is only part of it.

I hope I'm bringing the best me forward. I don't want to change who I am. I do want to quit taking side trips. I am an artist. My way of expressing this has evolved over the years including singing, writing, jewelry making, crafts, and wood carving.

I still sing because I love to sing but have no aspirations in that area other than having fun. I write this blog, posts in my groups, silly stuff on Facebook and other places but writing as a profession is also a dream that is not so much left behind as forgone in favor of current passions.

I'm putting behind me the craft show jewelry and misc stuff I made just to try to sell. Now I am making what enthralls me. Moving into areas of creativity that combine all the skills I've so haphazardly studied over the past couple of decades and more. It excites me. Whether there are buyers or not this new art is me. It will show in my jewelry (perhaps using stones I have carved myself!) and in the wall art and unique small furniture and accessories I have planned.

I'm still looking for the home in which my creations will be spawned. There is frustration in this but my parameters are adapting to the realities of this economy. I have resources I've yet to tap because of parameters that were too restrictive.

Sis calls all this a paradigm shift and that is as good a way to explain it as any other.

So, how do I feel about the upcoming anniversary? In a nutshell, still sad I can't share my growth with my beloved companion-in-life who encouraged me always to grow into my creativity; excited about the things that lie ahead of me as I continue the journey to me; anxious to begin the next step of my life; grateful for the beautiful people (family, friends and followers) who share the journey with me.

Thank you for reading. A writer without a reader only talks to him/herself.