Thoughts after midnight

After midnight when things have become very quiet and our minds are the most energetic things about us thoughts come. For me it is so very helpful to express those thoughts. Or should I say it is vital that I express them?
First let me update what's happening in my life.
With the heat and my relatively new reluctance to expose myself to that heat I have done nothing to create the at home location of the brick and mortar store. Stock and creative supplies have gone languishing in boxes mostly.
About a week ago I realized I could rebuild the website and, with an enormous amount of work, list all the thousands of items we had in the flea mall store. The site is up and even has a few items for sale on it. I was not mistaken. All the tiny items have to be inventoried, photographed, posted on the site and stored so they can be found when sold. It is a long and exacting process. It will not be finished any time soon. But it is started and I've created a "stock" area in my home. I will be able to print out the lists and pictures so local shoppers can shop from the catalog and I can pull what they want with relative ease.
Getting internet customers may be quite difficult but I think it can be done.
And my dental problems have been worrisome but with help from my friends (finding payments somehow for the large items JD left me that I must sell) I've scraped together the money to pay the sliding scale clinic and dental repairs are progressing. That's a relief.
I have noticed now for some time that I can see things on TV or read them in books, things about love and death and loss, that do not bother me at one time but make me feel lost and alone and hurting at another.
It still seems impossible that all the bountiful energy of life that was JD is really gone.
Lately I feel a big black net of loneliness settling down over me. It is not a loneliness that can be relieved by friends or family. It is a weight on my chest, head and back, a feeling of not being able to breathe well, that is all about being one instead of two.
Without undue pride I know I am quite capable of handling life alone. I have skills, talents and will to accomplish a lot. I have the strength to persevere and succeed.
That is not to say that I want to be alone forever.
Just over two weeks ago I re-evaluated my physical condition and took a long searching look at what was needed to improve it. I've changed my life style in many ways to accomplish that. Energy is returning and the weight has begun to drop. I can never go back to breads, potatoes, rice, gravies and such. They have to be as gone from my life as JD is. I won't be healthy if they are not. And it has surprised me that I'm doing without them fairly easily. I just had to see it and decide.
I do regret not making these changes years ago. It would have pleased JD. But it is something I had to do for me, not for him.
In ten days it will be ten months since JD died. Died, dead, deceased, dropped the body, expired, went away, left-all the hurting words are like hammer blows even now.
I am still sheltering in the cocoon of my home, sending out my feelers on the web many hours a day. I see few people and for short time periods. I'm just not ready yet. I cannot visit other's homes. I like getting out to stores and talking to people there. I prefer my phone calls short. I am still becoming who I will be for the rest of my life.
I'm raw and new as a "one" and am now seeing that it will be good to find someone to take me to dinner or a movie. Someone who has interests of his own. Someone who is not "needy" but would be happier with the kind of companionship I am able to provide. Someone who will like me for who I am, warts and all. And someone I can respect and admire. Its a tall order.
I'm not looking, just open to chance meeting.
I didn't think I would be open to another man in my life but loneliness is a great mind changer. When you've had a wonderful relationship it is difficult to be by yourself.
I wonder what joys life has in store for me. JD told me he didn't want me to be alone if he went first unless that was what I truly preferred.
I'm not a fatalist. I know one must be open to new things and new people if change is to happen. And life is all about change. As a body of water goes stale without movement and fresh additions so will life go stale. I don't want that.
One change that is happening is that the lot across the street from me that has had decaying trailers on it and has been overgrowing for many years is now owned by a family that wants to clean it all up and make it their home. I've talked to them and it seems they'll be good neighbors here at the end of the road. That will be good.