Reflections

Tonight I find myself with a great deal to say and a great need to say it.
Let it be known right up front that there is no "brag" or "blame" intended here, just my thoughts and realizations about me, my relationship with my darling JD, my present, past and future life. That said, I shall begin.
I've often spoken of my "luck" in my friends, my family and my spouse. For some reason today it became clear to me that it is not luck. Perhaps luck that our paths crossed, or chance or whatever you'd like to call it, but not luck that my relationships, good and bad, exist and existed.
One puts oneself in situations and places. One reaches out or one does not. One talks or one stays silent. One accepts or rejects. One tries or one does not. One persists or one gives up. One dreams or one plods.
My friends are my friends because we fit. We found out we fit by talking, exposing ourselves a little at a time. We found out by sharing the things we like, by giving and accepting. Thus are friendships made.
JD was my friend first, my lover second. IF, when he had come into my fast food place and asked to use the phone, I had sent an employee to tell him "sorry, we aren't allowed to let anyone in the back" then JD and I would never have happened. He'd have eaten his lunch and left. Our lives would have been totally different.
But instead I went out to ask if I could help him, got him to tell me what he really needed and offered a solution to his problem. Because of that, my friendliness and helpfulness, he kept coming back. He came to our house to visit. We got to know Chrissy. And when, two or three weeks later, my husband took off with my girlfriend, JD was there to comfort me. As an aside I've always been grateful to those two for clearing the path for JD and me.
Later in California when JD wanted to go prospecting I went too. I'd never done anything quite like that but I really got into it. I hiked all over the high desert with him, sometimes he carried Chrissy and sometimes I did. We found lots of great things and had a wonderful time. We went fishing, rock hunting, camping. Whatever he wanted to do I was up for. Except hunting but then its ok not to do every little thing together. I did at least try all the game he brought home. Had I been less accepting of his likes then he would never have loved me. I never tried to change who I am, just let myself enjoy new things. They were more fun because it was delightful to watch him enjoy things.
As for my friends, it is much the same. I'm open to new things. I'm willing to enjoy whatever, up to a point, of course. I don't like caring for farm animals so I don't do it. I don't like a few things and I don't do them either. But I like doing many, many things and a lot of them were taught to me by friends. JD always encouraged me to experiment with new hobbies, new adventures, new friends. He was never jealous or petty. His was an adventurous soul and he loved watching others have fun and enjoy life. He was a fine raconteur but also willing to listen to the stories of others.
I'm finding the grieving process is much like life in general. You must embrace it. You must be willing to experience it and share your loss with those who love you and who loved him or even with those who never knew or even met him but are your friends.
It has been less than three months since he died so suddenly. I've realized several things. One, I began my grieving for him seventeen years ago when we almost lost him to that electrical accident that, in my honest opinion, was the final cause of his death last October. I lived seventeen years with fear as a backdrop of my life, wonderful though that life was for the most part. I learned to put no barriers in his path whether he was doing things his medicos said he shouldn't do (lifting heavy things, climbing ladders, working beyond what his damaged body should have been doing) or taking care of me when I wasn't doing so well. JD was JD. Life would have had no meaning if he couldn't be doing. And it was important to me that his life have meaning for him. I truly believe it is the quality of life more than its length that matters most.
There are many things I've mentioned before that were important to him. Living outside the city was one. Having his chickens, his garden, his flowers and his freedom to do what he felt was important are a few more. I'm glad I was able to help him have those things. I'm glad my inheritance came in at last and we were able to take that long 5000 mile trip so he could show me the country we live in, show me places he'd traveled and to share with me a few memories of my time before JD. I'm glad he got to see his cousin and uncle in Oregon. I'm so glad he LIVED and didn't just exist.
Although I'm so very sorry he is no longer here to share time with me, to laugh, play, watch TV, eat meals I've cooked for him, go fishing, shoot pool, hug his kids, it has come to me that I am beginning to accept his being gone forever, leaving me with only the memories. I'm sleeping better, beginning to realize I can be happy again. There is life after JD.
I'd have died for him, I know that. If I could have taken his place and left him with a chance for a happy life, I'd have chosen to do that. But it was not his choice or mine.
On the island (widowisland) there is much discussion of the grieving process. And it is truly a process. There is a thing called the emotional tone scale and we move up and down on it if we're sane. Grief is quite low on that scale but it is totally appropriate at certain times, in certain circumstances.
I've spoken to many who are moving through the process at a much slower rate than I. There is nothing wrong with that. We each must experience the process at our own pace. I know there are many tears in my future. I know there will be sad times and times when I turn to tell him something and just fall apart because I know he'll never be there again. But truthfully I am way ahead of the curve here.
I know I have a good chance of more life left than JD and I shared. And I'm determined to waste not a bit of it. There are things to do, things to learn, things to teach and much to simply enjoy. JD helped me to be open to all this both as my mentor and by example. Bless his loving heart because of who he was and who I am I am moving on. I'm making my own life as a person and not a couple anymore.
I bought blue dishes and glasses tonight. I'm going to sell all the other stuff. I'm getting rid of all the juicers, choppers and things that he used but I won't. I'm a knife and cutting board kinda gal. I'm making this house mine. Eventually I'll get rid of the queen size bed and get a double. I like to spread out but want more room in my bedroom.
I'm moving my bead, wire and glass work into his little shop. I'm moving my carving into the building we bought for my store before I moved the store to a better location. The trailer he got for me will still house the saws and larger equipment but will be more storage than shop now. I can heat and cool those small buildings so winter won't stop my creating.
Life is good. JD I will always miss you. I'll always love you. And you'll be proud of me because I'm going to live life as you did-to the fullest.