More thoughts on the strangeness of it all

Tomorrow marks the third month since JD left. There are still many, many moments of unreality, of listening for his key in the door, of waking and not hearing him breathing beside me. There is still much sadness that the plans we had together will never be fulfilled. There is still the longing for his hug, his laugh, his scent. There are still silent tears for what will never be again.
Such a strangeness comes over me at times. I can't explain it. If you've been in this situation you'll know what I mean. Part of me wants to hang on to the pain, the emptiness, the not-there of him. And another part is really moving on.
Three months. Three short, short months have passed. On Sunday, just two days from now, we'd have celebrated his 67th birthday. Was it only just early October when we were planning how to celebrate our 50th anniversary? There are over 20 years to go to reach that. We were so settled into our relationship that it seemed destined that we'd reach the 50 year mark when we were in our dotage. And yet we seldom took each other for granted. Each of us tried to think always of how what we did or wanted to do would affect the other. That was not a problem, it was just the way things were. It was so right. So much about our relationship was right.
I'm feeling rather strange that I actually enjoy not having to plan around what someone else wants or needs. Should I feel guilty to like being on my own for the first time in my life? My mind tells me no but sometimes my heart tells me yes. In this case I think my mind is right. I will always treasure what JD and I had but the fact is that that life ended on Oct 23, 2009 when JD's life here ended.
Do I still miss him. Oh, yes. I'd trade this new found freedom in an instant. But that is not going to happen.
Last week I did something that I feel is rather silly. I signed up for a month on an internet "meet someone" service. What I've discovered is that, although some of the men on that service sound like really nice people, I'm just not interested at all. I was curious. The thought of having someone in my house, in my life is slightly repugnant.
As an artist I find I like things only mildly structured. Its good having the week-end store to put a frame on my days. But it is also very good to wake when I want, work at whatever project strikes my fancy, clean when I want to, rearrange the furniture twice a month until I get things where I'm comfortable, read or watch TV, impulsively go shopping, or just do nothing at all. Its ok to let the dishes soak until I'm ready to wash them. Its ok to eat once a day or four times, depending on what I feel like.
I'm still finding my way. I'm experimenting with this and with that. I can actually see myself ten years down the road, happily living my own life.
My experience is most likely very atypical. But I honestly believe that JD would be proud of me. He was Mr. Independence and he liked it when I was too. Well, Mrs, not Mr.