Back at the beginning

October 27, 2009 - Tuesday 

Its been four days and a few hours that I've been a widow.
What a strange concept. I've never been a widow before and never had any desire to be.
I've been surrounded by family and friends almost since the minute Chrissy found him. Poor darling Chrissy. It should have been me. That is not a pain for a daughter to live with.
We know it was sudden. We know he had no time to hurt or be afraid. We also know that those attacks of indigestion and the "cramps" were most likely "silent" heart attacks. We had no idea. The big one took us by surprise.
I must tell you that I have never adequately appreciated my friends and JD's friends until now. And there are no words to describe our offspring! They are all a parent could ever wish.
Now it might be nice if "I" were the wisest one but that isn't the case. Eldest son is amazingly wise. When I goof he gets me to see the error of my ways and the biggest pain of it is that he seems to be always right! And I don't convince all THAT easily.
I look forward to and also dread being alone again. Before then, however, we will have gotten me prepared to operate my life as a widow, single person, living alone with my dogs and cats.
While there are advantages to that there are far more disadvantages. I'm used to having someone to share my thoughts, to find them valuable and to also care about my opinions. I'm used to getting a hug whenever I want one. I'm used to daily chats and planning. I'm used to encouragement on a daily basis for my creative pursuits.
But mostly I'm used to loving and being loved by the best husband I could ever have. We were two halves of a whole.
Not always agreeing, not alike but dovetailing. His bull headed strength to my more flexible style. It worked for us.
I'm consoling myself with the fact that he lived right up to the moment he died. He had so many plans and had just gotten finished with the first steps of several of them. Some plans my friends and family will help me complete. Some only he could do.
My blog will be different because losing JD made ME different. Everything changes. Who cares when I go to bed or if I eat breakfast? Who cares if I carve until midnight? Where is my schedule? Nobody will be depending on me to buy the foods they love and cook them the way they want and when they want them.
I'll have lots of closet and drawer space but that space on the other side of the bed will haunt me.
There is less agony than there might have been as we've been very loving and gentle with each other the past months. We've laughed a lot and planned a lot.
Now its up to me to do the things that will make life full. I think I'm up to it.
Living with JD brought out the best in me and for him and myself I'll do all I can to maintain the best of me.
Fly, darling husband. Fly to your new destination and let nothing hold you back.
I will love you forever.

October 29, 2009 - Thursday

A few more steps towards my new normal

I woke early this AM while my sons (still here to care for me until a week from tomorrow) slept. I took the little dog out and then fed her, made some coffee and went out on the porch to drink it.
JD so loved our small acreage and sitting out to drink morning coffee together was the "old" norm. It was getting cloudy and was dark, not yet sunrise. There are few birds to watch this time of year. I noticed that the bird seed in his bird feeders has sprouted and there is GREEN showing. I put that on my "to do" list.
Sitting there,smoking (I will get back to quitting very soon) and drinking coffee I realized that I was very close to content. I am coming quickly to acceptance. I have no regrets about what I did or didn't do. I only regret that we didn't have more time.
He loved his country life. He was always busy planning his next project, rearranging the priority list, doing, doing, doing. Had he lived with a severely damaged heart I fear he would have become grumpy and ended up dying slowly and unhappily. As it was he had just finished a major project and was proud and happy (although very tired and in a bit of pain). I will be forever grateful for that.

It struck me that there is a price to pay for whatever we have in our lives. The love and companionship of someone we want with us costs some compromise, a willingness to share and to make plans based on two sets of wants and needs.
It costs time and attention. Now that is not to say that the cost is too high, on the contrary. What JD and I had was worth more than I ever "paid" to have our relationship. We dovetailed so well, mostly fought fairly for who does not have disagreements? When we made up it was with all our hearts.

I guess my compensation will be being free to go my own way, make my own decisions, work when I want, play when I want and not have a concern about someone who might worry or be lonely. The loneliness will be mine.

October 31, 2009 - Saturday
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Another day survived
Tomorrow we hold JD's celebration of life. We picked up the ashes of the body he wore while we had him. He is free. We are not yet free. We've a lot left to do here on Planet Earth. For years I've wondered how people go on when someone who is so much a part of them leaves. It was so difficult with Mom but JD helped me through. Well, so did Carolyn and, to a degree, Mac and my friends.
And they are all surrounding me with love now. Matt and Gurtch are beyond belief. I wish there was some way to really reach Chrissy and hold her heart safe but there are some things you just have to deal with internally. We can lend strength but it is inner strength that carries us. She has that but doesn't quite know it yet.
The sun still comes up I (not as brightly at this time of year), the cats and dogs need food and care, the clothes get dirty and need washed, one must eat (although food has lost a lot of its savor).
I wonder why I couldn't feel this lack of desire for food before. It would have made JD happy to see me losing weight. Maybe it still does. In fact, I'm sure of it.
It is a good sign that I'm anxious to get back to creating. I look at all the chores left to be done before I'm free to spend my hours in creation instead of just management and sigh. Many things will take months to get through. I only have strength for so much work in a day. But they do not all have be done today and I will have help. I HAVE help. But it is still daunting because my friends and family have lives they need to live and those lives do not and should not circle around me. These are MY jobs and this is MY life.
I itch for tools in my hands and something taking shape. I'm sad because my critic and teacher is gone. But that does not make the art less.
Details, details, details. They fill my mind and will affect my life for a good long while. There are projects to be done and life does go on.
I got a bubble maker and balloons for tomorrow. JD would laugh.
I'll be sad and glad when I'm alone with my memories and my new life. But I'm so VERY grateful for the help. Don't know what I would do without it.
We're going to get the store set up next week. Bless those sons of ours!!!

November 2, 2009 - Monday
Well, its done. We had his Celebration of Life, poured his ashes, some flowers and even a beer in the river. We played his favorite Mozart and released the balloons but forgot to bring the bubbles for the bubble machine. Oh, well, as with any celebration the things that go wrong make it as memorable as the things that go right.
I couldn't find all of the papers for the MUFON group. I either will or I won't. Can't imagine where to look now. Some other things I thought were here also can't be found. I'm clueless but there are more places to look that probably won't get to for maybe months.
Wonder if I'll find the combination to the small safe or the large one. Large on is empty so no sweat, no hurry. Small one is in use. No rush.
I was almost overwhelmed by the love for him that was expressed. People I knew little or not at all were so eloquent in telling how he improved their lives and how much they'll miss him.
The neighborhood has been pulled together because of him. He was counted as one of the most valuable members of more than one group. I'm still amazed at how far reaching and varied were his interests and abilities. A true Renaissance man and he loved ME.
The way it goes, now that all the public remembrances and such are done, today really becomes the first day of the rest of my life. Intensely.
Who is that old woman in the picture? I'm here inside her and I am not old. The focus will be in continuing to become a true artist. I will take joy always in creation.
Thank you, JD, for all the years of love, encouragement and happiness. You will live in my heart forever.

November 4, 2009 - Wednesday
Ups and downs
Last night the sons went to Muskogee for some personal time. They spent the night in a motel. Sleeping on the floor in my tiny house is rather hard on the back. And my water smells like sulphur which can be a bit hard to take showers in. Drinking water is, of course run through multiple filters but no whole house filter exists.
I was alone for the first time for a whole night. It actually wasn't too hard.
This AM I putzed around, played with Ellie and Sammie, took a shower (I'm used to the smell of the water) then off to get pet food and go work on the store.
Mona arrived and we did pretty well although there are MANY more things to do. No sweat. We're opening Friday no matter what.
The sons brought me chairs for the store. Bless 'em. I'm still not really up for hours of general conversation so it was a bit difficult being with Mona. She's so sweet but she,like me, loves to talk. And normally that's a good thing. Even now I'd rather have her talk than be silent!!!! Guess I still need more alone time.
Cricket came to get her and we went our separate ways but all to Wal-Mart in Checotah! LOL
I was fine, checking out what was easy for the three of us for supper and what I want to cook for them before they leave Friday morning. THEN I started to look for meals for me.
The tears started and wouldn't stop. One poor clerk who was helping me find something was a bit distressed. I had to apologize to her and let her know I was shopping for one for the first time. I cried all through the groceries, then in hardware when I couldn't run my "creative hardware" idea past JD.
Made a new friend though. She was so sweet to me. And she lives near my new store and likes beads. I guess there is really nothing wrong with feeling what you're feeling no matter where you are. Good people are everywhere. Not that I want to be a weeping wanda. I'm not crying all that much.
There are just ups and there are down.
Sammie is progressing very well at eating twice a day. She did NOT graze this AM. She ATE.
Gonna feed her again in a few. And bring her in if she hasn't been swimming (for a while anyway). I won't start whole nights inside until its just me and the girls.
Found a seed and some stone bead supplier with decent prices and finished up buying the minimal things I need for the store. Gonna have to find a real wholesaler if this thing takes off soon. I shall start looking next week.
For now I'm surviving. Still not fully grasping that he won't be back.

November 6, 2009 - Friday
Thoughts
In 1996 or thereabouts I bought a restaurant roll of plastic wrap (and one of aluminum foil). In 1997 when we moved to Virginia I gave them to my mother.
In 2002 I inherited what was left of them. Just now I looked and I have the plastic wrap in the aluminum foil box and there is a considerable amount left. Whoda thunk a roll of plastic wrap would last longer than my Mom AND my husband?
Not sad, really, just weird.

November 8, 2009 - Sunday
A letter to JD
There are so many things I want to tell you. When you were here we did talk and I did tell you how much I admired you and how much I loved and trusted you. I told you how safe you made me feel. And cherished.
Now that you're gone I want to tell you that all of those things are multiplied by a thousand percent. Everything I do I want to share with you. I want your opinion, your observations, your praise and encouragement. I want you to nag me about those things I do that aren't really good for me.
I want to hear your soft snore at night, feel the heat you create in the bed, smell the honest sweat of your work.
I want to hear you bitch and moan about politics, get excited about good science and berate the idiots. I want to watch your interest in the nature and UFO programs on TV.
I want to see you love the dogs, take care of your poultry and grump because you always have more plans than energy, time and money to accomplish them.
I want another day, another hour or even another minute to hold you in my arms.
I want to thank you for all that you helped me become. I want you to know that you're the best thing that ever happened in my life.
I want you to know how my sons feel you are the only father worth acknowledging and that your daughters are so sad to not get a chance to know you better.
I am so thankful that the end came as near to painlessly as could be. Atleast that's what they tell me. I am so thankful that you did not lie for days, weeks or months waiting to die.
I am so thankful that among our last words were the words "I love you".
I hope you were there when we scattered your ashes on the river. I hope you heard the neighbors tell how you alone pulled us all together as a neighborhood. I hope you heard how valuable you were to your gardening club, your MUFON group, your friends all around town. I hope you know how much you are missed.
Your going left a huge hole in my life that will never be filled.
I hope so very much that we will meet again. You ARE my inspiration. Even our bad times were better because we were together. I told you many times that I'd rather be fighting with you than loving anyone else and that is still true now.
Saying goodbye is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Because I can, because I must, because it is the right thing to do I am making my life without you.
I am forever enriched because of what we shared and forever a bit less because we aren't still sharing. Your love for me was an honor I hope I deserved. My love for you was the biggest thing in my life.
You always wanted me to be the best I could and you taught me that there was little I could not do if I only put my heart in it. And you taught me to keep on trying, to make the world a better place in whatever way I could. You brought me to my art, my creativity. You bought me my first book on gem trees and released me to create.
You loved my children and your own.
The world has less light without you but I will try, OH, I will try to shine brighter in your honor.
I love you. I will love you as long as I live and I believe I will love you beyond physical death.
Thank you for the hugs, kisses and all the wonderful, beautiful things you showed me about living. There aren't enough words to say it all. Thank you even for the fights for they showed me how to improve.
Goodbye, my love, may you fly into your next adventure with all the zest you showed for this one.



Cap'n Matt Time to go have a truly Irish wake for dad.
Novembarrr 7 roundabouts 10:57 in the evenin' ·
Melani Ann
I'm with you in spirit.
P Casey Willson
You betcha Dad woulda been proud. I'll bet he was there and ticked he couldn't get hold of a beer!

November 9, 2009 - Monday

A Tribute to My Father
J.D. Willson – passed from this life on Friday, October 23 around 6pm.   He is survived by his wife, Casey Willson, his daughters Tammy, Sonya, and Christina and two step-sons, Gurtch and myself. He was born in 1943.
These are the dry recitation of facts that fail entirely to encapsulate the the elemental phenomenon that was my father. He was irrepressible, irresistible and incredible.
He met my mom in 1982; they were nigh-inseparable from that day on. If you could ask a 10 year old boy to define all the things he wanted in a father, once you got past “Fireman!” or “Astronaut!” you would almost certainly find he had listed every quality my dad displayed and embodied. He taught me how to throw a punch, catch a fish with a spear, run a trout/cat line, gut and clean a deer. He taught me how to plant and grow a garden. He taught me to hold my liquor, to shoot pool in dive bars, and how to approach women. Most of all, he made my mother happy.
He was full of stories. He had adventures and things to talk about. He could hunt, fish, prospect gold, use dynamite safely, shoot accurately, and play pool like a machine. My dad was really, nothing short of the most powerful figure in my life.
He used to sit with me on the porch, or in the living room and tell me about raising hell as a kid in Michigan, running ‘shine for his uncle, fighting with the football team, and doing farm work.  He told me about getting rejected for military service during Vietnam because of a ruptured ear-drum and you could tell that while he was glad to have avoided going to hell, he was sad not to have served. Dad was a mix of contradictory feelings. Some of his stories are not fit for mixed company, and he was happy to explain them to me, even when I was probably too young to really understand. Some of them made me spontaneously erupt into laughter when the real meanings became clear later.
The early 1980s were hard on everyone financially. Mom and Dad both lost their jobs and we moved to a tiny, one-room, unfinished farmhouse in Oklahoma. Dad and I dug trenches and ran PVC pipe for water to the kitchen, but we still had to haul water in jerry-cans for showers/baths and to flush the toilet. We fished a lot. I learned a lot about survival from him that year. He never once got mad at a slightly squeamish kid who didn’t want to stick his fingers in a catfish’s mouth to take the hook out. He just kept at it until I did the deed.
Once, in jr. high school, I was in a terrible accident and nearly suffocated. My skin was blotched and stained from blood boiling to the surface for air. My eyes were solid red from the exploded capillaries. My hair was tangled and my clothes were torn. I suspect that if someone had been casting a zombie movie, I would have gotten a lot of camera time. It really was that bad. I shambled home via public buses with people shying away from me and staring (and in LA, that takes some doing!). I hurt everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Dad was preparing for a trip to the desert outside of Barstow that weekend, and saw me shuffling up the hill, clutching my bag and looking like death warmed over. My heart was heavy and I felt like hell.But dad, he knew what I needed to hear.
“Son, I hope the other guy looks worse.” That lanced my pain and let me laugh and cry and scream all at once.  He took me into the house, got me cleaned up, soaked me in ice water to reduce the swelling and bruising and never once let me feel like I’d failed or been stupid.
Dad took me on the desert trip and didn’t complain once about how I slowed him down, drank too much of our precious water, or that I kicked him in the shins while we slept in the bed of the pickup truck. That was him, strong, supportive, unstoppable and kind.
I’m going to miss you dad. I’m going to miss calling you an ugly old man and having you tell me I’m an ugly kid so we’re even. I’m going to miss you telling me you’re not too old or too short to kick my ass. I’m going to miss you sharing a quiet drink and a quick game of pool.
Thanks for being my dad. For being a part of my life, and for the thousands of tiny ways that you shaped me into the man I am now.&
Rest in peace.

November 12, 2009 - Thursday
When will it be real?

Another night, getting ready to go to sleep. Its been a very long day. Sammie woke me at 4:45 and I never got back to sleep.
I made some jewelry tonight and it came out well. The store is open tomorrow. I will be out of the house most of the day.
I actually watched three tv programs tonight while making jewelry.
My house is greatly rearranged. JD's clothes are gone, many of his tools and supplies are now in my work areas. Steve picked up the boat today and Jeremy has a lot of the tools in his garage now, both normal work saws (I have my own) and a lot of lapidary equipment. We've made our arrangement clear-the work he'll do for me and the things that will be his in exchange.
But with all of that it isn't real. JD is gone from my life. He's gone way too soon. We were going to get old together. We promised. But he wasn't able to keep that promise as much as he wished to do it.
It seems so unreal that I can go to bed with half of it covered in unfolded towels and blankets I washed today. He isn't here to grump and make a pile of them in the floor. He isn't HERE.
But I am and I'm trying so very hard to get on with life. Nobody can help with this part. It is mine to bear, my life to live. Alone.

November 16, 2009 - Monday
Progress???
Jeremy has been bringing down boxes and bags of mineral specimens (rocks to those of you not of the "hound" persuasion) and today I've been making sticky labels for the new boxes to replace the damaged boxes of the identified specimens. And assembling some boxes to put them in/on.
It has been a productive day. I got in touch with senior services, DHS and such, got the application filled out for food stamps, packaged a Swaptree book (I thought I had the account on hold but didn't until yesterday), called the Tag agency to get info on the unregistered boat, motor and canoe, AND found the prior owner on MySpace and sent him a message so he can get back to me and get the title properly signed over-three years later. It was never notarized so the signature is worthless.
We'll see how that goes.
OH! I also changed my Directv plan to one that has many fewer channels and costs about half of what my former bill was.
So its been a good day. Except for cleaning up one, hopefully LAST, mess in the floor made by Sammie. I fed her something I shouldn't have and she didn't make it outside, poor pup. Mamma got REALLY mad before realizing it was my own fault.
I started clearing out some really old stuff from the fridge. I found a piece of bologna in a plastic bag and I LOST it. I remember JD giving Sammie all but that one piece which I saved back to use to give the kitties their medicine. Never got around to giving it to them.
Those little every day memories are deadly.
I guess this will be happening for a long time. We shared almost everything. Matt called us inseparable and we were. We had our own things we did like his fishing and pool playing but mostly we were together and liked it that way.
I never understood how married folk wanted so much time apart. Yeah, I needed and still need a fair amount of alone time but I needed him more.
Its so very hard to be truly and forever alone without him.